Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
