You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
