how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
