There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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