lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
