Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
