I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
