My liver just broke up with me...
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
