just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
