I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
