i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
