you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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