Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
