ya dads aren't the best wingmen
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
