There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
