1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
