I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
