I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
