So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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