You don't have asthma, your pregnant
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
