Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
