when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
