Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
