im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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