Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
her facebook's as public as her vagina
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
