sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
