pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I need a burrito and a hug.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
