Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
