I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
