I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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