You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
