I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
