Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
