I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
