Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
