My friends, they love my intelligence
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
