The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
