can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
