i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
