Dude my mom stole all your condoms
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
