If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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