I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My Higher Power is John Stamos
false alarm. still invincible.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
