i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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