so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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