His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
