I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
