Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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