Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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