I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
