shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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