Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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