Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
